The Diary of Olivia Lennox
by kaelan
Summary: A look at Olivia's thoughts in the months following the Cornwall game. Olivia/Viola.
1. Chapter 1

**March 25th, 2006**

It was all so easy for them, for everyone, to just go back to the way things were. Toby and Andrew treated her the same way they did before - like one of the boys. Coach Dinklage and Principal Gold saw her as just another student. Everyone at Illyria accepted everything that happened and she transitioned from being Sebastian, ladies-man, to Viola, star soccer player, faster than you could blink.

But Olivia couldn't. She couldn't just pretend that everything was fine and dandy. She couldn't just fall into a relationship with Sebastian - no, because she didn't fall in love with _Sebastian_.

She fell in love with **_Viola_**.

And everyone just expected that the moment she met the actual Sebastian, she would what? Swoon, and fall head over heels for him? Well, it doesn't work that way! You fall in love with the person, whether it's a guy or a girl, and you can't just transfer that love to somebody else. Why didn't anyone get that?

Oh, she tried with Sebastian, she really did. She listened to his music, hung out with him, talked to him hours on end to try and connect with him the way she connected with his sister. But there was no spark. There was an initial physical attraction, sure, but beyond that, she just didn't find him as intriguing as she did Viola.

But it wasn't as though she could do anything about it. Viola was happy with Duke.

Duke Orsino. Just thinking about him made her furious. Where did he get off thinking that he deserved to be with Viola? He didn't even know it was her - the whole time, he was just using her to get closer to Olivia. He didn't even like Viola as Sebastian, not the way Olivia did. And just because they kissed once at the carnival, he thinks, what? He can just swoop in and get the girl he's known for all of 5 seconds? It just wasn't fair!

Olivia gripped the pencil in her hand, blood boiling at the thought of that Neanderthal getting to kiss her.

And then, just as quickly as the anger came, it melted away. It didn't matter whether Duke genuinely liked her, or if he was just projecting. It didn't matter if he deserved her or not. All that mattered was Viola.

And Viola was happy with him. She loved him.

And there was nothing Olivia could do about it.

* * *

**End Chapter 1.**


	2. Chapter 2

**13****th**** May 2006**

_Vi is soooo prtty ._

_When she smils everything is bettr ._

_I tryed to tell her but shewas with_

_DUKE,_

_went ovr there to talk to her but she didn seee me ,_

_I wish she wud SEE ME ._

As consciousness started filtering in, the first thing Olivia felt was a pounding in her head, like a wrecking ball had taken residence there and decided to just let loose. It took her a few moments to realize that she had fallen asleep at her desk, her diary left open under her. Blearily, the blonde straightened up, trying to work out the knot that had formed at the base of her neck, and regain some feeling into her right arm.

Looking down at what she had written the night before, Olivia groaned in exasperation. Even drunk, she couldn't get the girl off of her mind. What was _wrong_ with her? She shook her head in disgust, immediately regretting the action when the dull pounding in her head became worse, and the nausea intensified. Grabbing the wastebasket beside her, she heaved out the contents of her stomach unpleasantly.

When she was done, Olivia looked around the room to locate her phone. Spotting it on her bedside table, she slowly got up, her body aching in protest, and made her way over. She picked it up to see that she had 3 missed calls and 5 texts. Sighing, the blonde reluctantly opened up her missed calls list.

**Mom - 9:27 AM  
**_mobile_

**Viola (2) - Yesterday  
**_mobile_

**Maria - Thursday  
**_mobile_

**Sebastian (3) - 10/5/06  
**_mobile_

_Viola called?_ Olivia wondered. It must have been at the party last night. But why would she call her if they were both at the same party? Maybe they got separated? Why couldn't she _remember?_

Shaking her head at how wasted she must've been, Olivia quickly navigated to her text messages. She had one from Maria, sent this morning, one from her mother, one from Viola, and two from Sebastian.

**Maria: **_Hey, sleeping beauty. When u finally see this, there's some aspirin in my desk drawer. Take 2, then take a shower (u need it!). I went out to meet Tom. See ya later! :P_  
sent at 10:23 AM

**Mom**: _Olivia, don't forget that you have that appointment today with Dr Pearson at 3. Let me know if you need me to come with. Love you, honey._  
sent at 9:31 AM

**Viola:** _Hey, Liv, where'd you go? I talked to Seb, are u ok? Call me._  
sent on 14/4/06, 11:33 PM

**Sebastian:** _I don't understand why ur doing this._  
sent on 12/5/06, 11:06 PM

**Sebastian: **Liv,_ can you just talk to me? Tell me what i did wrong_  
sent on 13/5/06, 11:03 PM

Crap! What the hell happened yesterday?

She must have said something to Sebastian after she'd had a few drinks, because she couldn't remember talking to him at all! _Omg, please don't tell me I said anything to him about Vi!_

This was bad. Really bad. What if she told Sebastian that she was in love with his sister? What if he told Viola?!

Olivia needed to do something. She needed to talk to Sebastian to find out exactly what happened. She needed to damage control. She needed to march out that door and….take a shower first.

Right. She had to get out of these clothes and clean herself up. But after. After that, she'd fix everything.

* * *

Clasping her hands on her lap, Olivia sighed, looking up at the expectant gaze of the person in front of her.

"I broke up with Sebastian," she said, breaking the silence.

"Why?" the woman across her questioned.

"Come on, Dr P, you know why," Olivia replied exasperatedly. "Don't make me say it."

"I meant why now?" Dr Pearson clarified, "You've been talking about how unhappy you are with him, but what made you finally decide to break things off?"

Blushing, the blonde looked down, embarrassed.

"Well, it was kind of…accidental," she said. "I was at a party last night and had a couple of drinks, and I kind of told Sebastian that I wasn't feeling it anymore and that I wanted to break up."

"And what did he say?"

"I don't really remember, I was pretty out of it. But I met him today, and we talked it over. I told him I couldn't remember what I said, but that I wasn't happy with him. I didn't think he'd take it so hard, I mean, we'd only been together for one and a half months. But he looked genuinely upset about it," Olivia replied, brows furrowing.

"Do you regret upsetting him?" Dr Pearson questioned.

"Of course I do," the blonde said. "I care about him, and I didn't want to hurt him. But I don't regret what I did."

"Why not?"

"Because it would've hurt him more in the long-run, I think, if I'd stayed with him."

"What about Viola?" the woman asked.

"What _about_ Viola?" Olivia repeated, frowning.

"Are you going to tell her?"

Olivia was silent for a few moments, debating. She knew the brunette would come asking questions about why Olivia had broken things off with her brother. Viola wouldn't be satisfied with the reasons she'd given Sebastian. The blonde tried to picture it in her head, telling Viola the real reason she broke up with Sebastian.

_**So, why'd you break up with Seb?**_

_**See, the thing is, Vi, I kinda realized I fell for you, not him.**_

_Yeah, that'd go over really well, _Olivia thought. She looked up resolutely, shaking her head.

"I can't. She's happy with Duke," she said. "Me telling her would just mess things up, and I don't want to do that to her."

"What if Duke wasn't in the picture?" Dr Pearson raised.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, what if Viola wasn't happy with Duke?" she prompted, "What then?"

"I . . I don't know. It wouldn't matter, she doesn't feel that way about me," Olivia said, looking away. It hurt, thinking about it. She'd been so sure that they had connected, back when Viola was pretending to be her brother. Olivia found herself sharing things with the girl that she hadn't ever shared with anyone. Viola had a way of making her feel safe and comfortable enough to talk about her dreams, and her fears. She'd made her open up about Pete, her ex-boyfriend, for the first time since the break-up. She thought they were on the same page, that she was quickly becoming Vi's _person_, the one you run to when you feel like crap, or the one you know will never judge you and will always be there for you. Because Vi was definitely hers.

Beyond the fact that, at the time, Olivia was physically attracted to Viola/Sebastian, it was _her_ that drew the blonde in. Her kindness, her compassion, her occasional social awkwardness. Somewhere along the whole charade, Olivia had fallen for Viola, the person. And it was funny how she didn't even take two seconds to process the fact the Viola/Sebastian was, in fact, a girl. She'd been on such a high when she thought that her feelings had been returned, but then to find out that the soccer player had been pining for Duke all along was such a blow that it almost physically hurt.

Olivia clenched her fists, fighting the urge to wrap her arms around herself in front of the therapist. That would only bring about another whole bunch of questions that she just did not want to get into. She willed herself to remain in control

"Time's up, doc," Olivia said quietly, not meeting the doctor's eyes. "See you next week."

* * *

**End Chapter 2.**


End file.
